E is for the Elephant in the Room

When our son, Jay, died on July 2, 1992, almost immediately I began to read books and articles by and about bereaved parents. I knew that I would get through my grief mainly by dependence on God. I’d also rely on friends who had either experienced the loss of a child or who loved me so much that they would let me reminisce about my boy. Most of these people knew Jay, loved him, and wanted to help me through my grief by allowing me to talk about him. Some friends didn’t even know Jay but would listen to me as I told funny stories about him or wept through poignant stories. Oh, how much I appreciated those friends!

But there were also a few people who just couldn’t accept the fact that a young person the age of their own children (Jay was 24 when he died) could die. Those young folks are invincible, aren’t they? No, they aren’t, and some of us (just a few by comparison to the number of young people that there are) must face their invincibility.

I had to go back to teaching not long after Jay died, so I didn’t have a chance to read the newspaper before going to work each morning. One afternoon I came home to find my husband, Frank, sitting with an article in his hand. I could tell that he’d been crying. He handed the article by Ann Landers to me. I had never heard the expression that was the title of the article, but as I read, I knew that it was meant for Frank and me on that very day. Here’s the article by Ann Landers and the poem that spoke to us:

Dear Ann Landers: Not long ago, you printed a letter from Rose Sahli in Carmel, Calif. Rose spoke of how her son had died and she wished family members and friends would talk about him more often. That letter made us think of a poem, "The Elephant in the Room." It appeared in your column a few years ago.

We have been members of The Compassionate Friends, an organization for grieving parents, since our son was killed in a freak auto accident eight years ago. Matt was 17.

This poem makes it clear that not only is it OK to talk about our dead child but that the references are appreciated because a day never goes by that our child is not in our thoughts. We give this poem to family, friends and co-workers to let them know how we feel. I hope you will find it worth sharing again.

South Windsor, Conn.

Dear Conn.: Thank you for suggesting I use that wonderful poem in my column. Incidentally, I was among those who had the mistaken notion that it was painful for family members to hear references to a loved one who had died. Many readers called me on it, and I know better now. Here is the poem:

The Elephant in the Room

By Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room.

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with "How are you?" and "I'm fine"

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about everything else--except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.

For, you see, it is a very big elephant.

It has hurt us all.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.

Oh, please, say "Barbara" again.

Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,

Perhaps we can talk about her life.

Can I say "Barbara" to you and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, then you are leaving me

Alone. . .In a room. . .

With an elephant.

I’m thankful that we didn’t have many friends who walked around the elephant in the room, but I wish that even after 25 years those friends could read this poem by Terry Kettering. People should always let those of us who have lost loved ones, in our case especially a child, talk about, reminisce about that person. It’s a part of healing and of keeping our children alive.